Do not be yourself

People always say: just be yourself! And I believe that that's generally a good thing. I also recognize that it may come with unconventional consequences. Because sometimes, people are different than "normal", and them being themselves means they do things you might not expect or understand.

When people say "be yourself", really what they mean is "be yourself, if that happens to coincide within the socially acceptable and expected range of behavior." If you do not fall within that range, then really people would prefer it if you adhered to the social norms instead of being yourself.

Pants

The example that prompted me to write this post is my pants. I wear jogging trousers, because they are comfortable, light, and warm. While I personally do not mind the aesthetic, I know for a fact that people think it looks informal, some might even say trashy. My choice of pants, which I think somewhat reflects me "being me", have been a point of contention in my family, presumably because my family members are the only ones honest enough to say something. My friends probably just do not care, but this is a biased viewpoint because I chose to be friends with them. My family members think the pants you wear is a reflection of who you are (fair enough) and that wearing jogging trousers everywhere sends the wrong signals to other people. Personally, I don't quite understand this; if other people are put off by my choice of pants before they bother to talk to me and find out who I am, are they really worth talking to anyway? In a way, the pants are a filter; but of course, it's not that simple. Maybe this works for me, but my choice of pants negatively affects those I am with as well, even if we are not trying to make an impression on anyone. I have heard from multiple siblings that my choice of trousers invokes a feeling of shame for them.

Behavior, relatively

I understand, the social norms we have are a baseline. The behavior you show is not taken absolutely, but seen next to this social standard and compared to it. If you do things that do not fit within this standard, it starts impacting how people perceive you as a person. If I wear ugly pants to an event or place that has a certain social expectation for decent-looking trousers, then this negatively affects the perception people have of me and those I am with, since they chose to go there with me. If on the other hand I do something that is extra nice, then people remember that, too. Unfortunately this system directly conflicts with the advice of "being yourself", because the latter encourages people to somewhat ignore the standard and instead go for individual preferences. This leads to unconventional behavior, which then people have to internally compare to their social standards. Sadly, even if something is neutrally different, it is often perceived negatively; people don't know how to interpret it and then go "why can't this person just be normal?" which overall ends up being a negatively tinted experience. This exact train of thought is what I believe happens for my choice of pants, too; my family members are thinking "why can't he just wear jeans?" and they presumably (correctly) project this thought onto others, making joggers an overall suboptimal choice of everyday bottoms. Ultimately, this is where "be yourself" falls apart completely; realistically you should not be yourself if it strays away from the expectation others have of you, at least if does so in a non-positive (i.e. negative or neutral) way.